This has and always will be one of my favorite Devendra Banhart songs. So emotional and it sort of pertains to a present situation in mah life. As a side note, I still need to see this ma’fucka when he comes back to the desert. As a side side note, I’m totally going to bomb my economics test. Poop.
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Mark Twain (via quote-book) This is a powerful quote. I liek it. P.S. I just started reading the The Innocents Abroad by Mark Twain and I’m thoroughly enjoying it. He uses small and quaint descriptions that allow the imagination to take hold of and feast on. Also, the humor is very situational. |
Hey, if you really want to make me feel like killing myself, I’ll let you in on a secret. I’m a very loyal and giving person if I know you well and love you as a person in my life. This tends to make me susceptible to those I care about when they decide to treat me like shit. I honestly try and give people the benefit of the doubt when they decide to do so, but truth be told, it’s a weakness of mine. I DON’T LIKE TO TREAT PEOPLE THAT I LOVE IN A BAD MANNER, BUT THEY SEEM TO FEEL FINE WHEN DOING IT TO ME. It’s a distressing and unrelenting feeling when it happens and I don’t feel right when I react to it. This is the root cause of my depression in life. It seems like those around me and those who are suppose to care for me don’t have a problem shitting on me, and then turning around and acting as though nothing has happened. It leaves me in a tangle of emotions and I have never found an appropriate way to handle it.
This is why you are driving me insane. You know that I have a deep love for you, yet you’re unwilling to look past yourself and your wants even the slightest bit in order to gain what we used to have. You have the nerve to say you lack confidence in us, yet fail to exert an ounce of effort on your own behalf in order to kick start our relationship again. You absolutely do not care what emotions you inflict upon me, and honestly, I feel like you do the things you do to punish me indirectly for whatever reasons.
For someone who deals with their emotions on a consistent basis and feels like they know themselves emotionally, you draw a lot of blanks when it comes to what you want in life. You can’t seem to make decisions and instead choose to tip toe around issues, or shut yourself down completely toward people, such as me. I feel as though you have no idea what you’re doing in life sometimes, and that causes you to make poor decisions on your part. This usually makes for more, or worse problems then you already had, but it doesn’t matter because you push forth with your decision (no matter what it is), without truly assessing a situation. I do not tell you this to spite you in any way; it is only what I have observed.
Believe it or not, out of anyone in your life I probably know you the best. This is only because I have spent immense amounts of time around you. You might be saying to yourself, “I’ve changed a lot since last year.” And while that might be true, one must accept that you are the person you will be your entire life. That being said, you are still very much the same person you have always been. Which means, that out of everyone on this planet, I probably know the most about you, and vise versa. This all accumulates to one thing; I feel that we can be there for each other in vital and indispensable ways. If you asked me how many people I could trust with anything in the world, I can truthfully answer only you and my mother (But that’s just because, come on, it’s my momma). And even then, I put you in front of her because you are the love of my life, and I have to be able to trust you with everything or else I can’t feel right. You, and everything dealing with you, is a main concern of mine and I want to be there for you no matter what is going on. I can only hope you would feel the same way about me.
I am fully against tossing out our three year relationship. It’s almost impossible and amazing that we have lasted three years, especially because high school is time when many people go through vast changes in their lives. The fact that our efforts and emotions were strong enough to keep us deeply in love even in a time of tremendous change, gives me reason to believe that, as a whole we can survive together if we choose to.
We have definitely had a falling out. That just shows that everyone is right when they say that a relationship is really fucking hard. Now that I have experienced it though, I feel that my views and opinions have matured to a great extent. I just need you as an audience again to hear what I have to say and show how I feel. And this time, I want to share a lot of myself with you.
Out of everything, maturity is all we need. Everything else will come naturally if we are willing to be mature human beings toward each other. And all maturity takes is respect and a willingness to try. This cannot be done though if you choose to act the way you have been lately. Personally, it is not only offensive, but it takes a great deal of control and patience not to react in a negative way. And I will not submit myself to doing that anymore if your attitude does not change.
I am here, physically and emotionally, ready to open myself to you if you are willing to do the same. If you are not, then I have wasted my words and time, and in great disappointment. If you are not, then I will only exist in the pictures you possess and the memories you choose to hold on to. I cannot offer anything more.
Time alone can cure all,
Time alone will take the fall,
For all the fresh milk has done spoil,
And my emotions are slick with oil.
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Me, the shamed person.
I am to blame my own self.
Life is shared with others.
